Hi everyone. Am new to writing here, but would love to have a chance to share with all of you. I am so sorry I'm starting out swearing already. Just would like to add something to the holiday topic.
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PILGRIMAGE
The dark red lines vien
the woodfloor under my bare feet.
blue, under my toe nails go.
I bet my feet are cold.
fuck. focus.
I squeeze my fingers,
locking my hands fast.
I look up at the man hanging on the wall,
he looks familiar
but my heart
does not want to care.
shit.
I feel the back of my heart dip,
as head turns away.
soul and body exhales.
I twist in my hard chair.
my hands have gone cold.
“Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?”,**
the walls whisper.
I don't mean
to not love you.
but believe me when I say
I try.
**“My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” (from Mathew 27:46)
2 comments:
You have no idea how long I've been anticipating a post from you! Not to sound creepy or pressuring, it's just that I've been told your writing is most excellent, and so I was eager for a firsthand look :-)
I mean, I have no words. This is a strong First Contribution. Your colors pop, and wording is very thrilling, especially in the first stanza (which is my personal favorite). The heart dipping stanza is a bit mundane when compared to the solid&rich descriptions in the other stanzas, so there might be something there to consider, but I mean, this is awesome.
No need to apologize for the swearing; I think it's appropriately jarring, and I'd even encourage you to add a very, very little bit more, just to emphasize the divide between the complex use of language in your stanzas and the base colloquial directness of your swearing. "fuck. focus" works better than "shit" in that respect, (though I'm usually a big fan of "less is more" wording). This is how humanity operates: we experience both the elaborate and the base as responses to the things that weigh on our minds.
Thanks, Sunshine.
I really appreciate the feedback, and it was so excellent to write again after ages of not writing- i think more thank a year? (the horror!) but since Orvis had introduced me to the blog I have been so impressed, excited and hopeful about the work that has been written. yay!
till the next entry then, Barbara~!
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