Thursday, August 13, 2009


[Space. Two voices travel through the ether: AL, a New Yorker (probably of Italian descent), and a monotonous unfathomable VOICE.]

-AL: Are we there yet?
--VOICE: No.
-AL: It sure takes a long time.
--VOICE: Are you in a hurry, Al?
-AL: No.
--VOICE: Why would you comment on time, then?
-AL: I dunno. I just thought I'd say something. Maybe we should be there by now. We've past so many stars already.
--VOICE: We're on our way.
-AL: Well, hopefully we'll get there before dinner time. I think I might get hungry soon.
--VOICE: Let me know when you do. We have plenty of time if you require a pit stop.
-AL: How much time?
--VOICE: Enough time, Al. In fact, time is of no consecuence now.
-AL: Wait... What do you mean? Am I dead?
--VOICE: Are you still here?
-AL: Yes.
--VOICE: Then you're not dead. You might have left your charred body at the scene, but you're not dead.
-AL: I see.


-AL (CONTINUED): Was it painful?
--VOICE: You don't remember?
-AL: All I remember is swirving in the rain, and heading into a light.
--VOICE: Did you walk toward the light?
-AL: No. I sorta drove into it. It looked like a Wal-Mart truck.
--VOICE: It was an incoming train, Al.
-AL: Oh. Well, it sort of looked like that first star we passed by. What's its name, again?
--VOICE: Alpha Centauri.
-AL: Yeah, that. White. Very bright. Got bigger and then disappeared just like that.
--VOICE: Hmm.


-AL: Are you God?
--VOICE: No.
-AL: You're an angel?
--VOICE: No.
-AL: What are you then?
--VOICE: What do you think I am, Al?
-AL: I'm not sure. But I thought I recognized your voice from somewhere. You did that commercial on TV...
--VOICE: No.
-AL: 'Cuz I could swear you sound just like that man who sells foot cream on TV.


--VOICE: Yes, Al?
-AL: Oh, I thought you'd left for a second. This place is so big, I'd get lost without a map. There are so many turns.
--VOICE: We're avoiding black holes, Al. You wouldn't want to get lost in one of those.
-AL: Are they like the gates of Hell?
--VOICE: Why would you say that?
-AL: I dunno. It just sounded like something cool to say.
--VOICE: If your hell is subatomical nothingness and the anihilation of matter and light, then yes, they are gatekeepers.
-AL: Am I going to enjoy Heaven?
--VOICE: That's up to you to decide.
-AL: When will we get there?
--VOICE: Why are you in a hurry?
-AL: Well, I think I might need to pee, y'know? I've been holding it ever since I left the restaurant Uptown. I hope Vanessa is ok.
--VOICE: Vanessa?
-AL: She is.... Well, she's... You can say, I guess, she's this girl I've been seeing.
--VOICE: You hesitated.
-AL: I ain't hesitating.
--VOICE: Are you ashamed of her?
-AL (DISTRACTED or AVOIDING): Wow! Did you see that comet? Josh would've loved to see that up close!
--VOICE: Josh?
-AL: My son Josh.
--VOICE: Adopted?
-AL: Oh, God no.
--VOICE: Please refrain from unnecessary & superfluous blasphemy.
-AL: Sorry. I meant, no, he isn't adopted. It's worse. He's 13. He's from my first marriage. Well, we aren't divorced... But we are heading there... Oh, I mean... were. I guess it was my first and last marriage.
--VOICE: Were you and your wife separated?
-AL: Umm... Well, we hardly see each other anyway. She is always working and I am always working. We only sleep... slept in the same bed, basically. I was going to tell her about Vanessa, but I drove into a light, I guess.
--VOICE: Is your wife seeing anyone?
-AL: Uh, I don't think so. She better not. Does her shrink count?
--VOICE: Please mind the gravitational pull from the planet ahead, Al. I don't want you to get pulled over.
-AL: Thanks.


-AL (CONTINUED): So, what do you do for a living?
--VOICE: Living?
-AL: As in, is tour-guiding your full-time job? You know, for the Big Man?
--VOICE: Big Man?
-AL: You know, the MAN... G-o-d?
--VOICE: What makes you think God is a man?
-AL: So it's a chick then! I always knew something like that was going to happen to me when I died! Like, I'd find out something totally whack like "it was the Wiccers who were right all along" or that "Jesus was a fag" or something like that.
--VOICE: There's no room for surprises here. Nor chance.


-AL: So when do I meet her?
--VOICE: Who?
-AL: God!
--VOICE: Never.
-AL: Wait, what?
--VOICE: No one ever meets God, but God knows you're here. And God is not a woman either.
-AL: So who am I meeting with when we get there?
--VOICE: Who would you like to meet?
-AL: Maybe Al Capone. Is he there?
--VOICE: I don't have access to that type of information, Al.
-AL: Well, are we there yet?
--VOICE: No. We still have a long way to go.
-AL: I'll just look out the window, then.
--VOICE: There are no windows here.
-AL: It was a joke, yo. Jesus! Where's your sense of humor?
--VOICE: If you continue your childish insistence on irreverence we will take longer to get where we're going.
-AL: Sorry. I'll just look at the view. Mind you... it's pretty repetitive.
--VOICE: Very good, Al. There's not much else to do. I warn you though: most bankers complain the trip there takes forever. I do hope you're the exception.

1 comment:

Barbara Lorraine said...

Walter, I'm not even kidding, I'm really tickled to see where this is going. Al's voice slips in a couple of places ("it was a joke yo" was a bit jarring), but that aside, I think this would make a beautiful scene on a stage. The bits where Al eventually cops to having a mistress and worries over his family are very touching. Depending on how much more you want to do with this, it'll be an interesting examination of the life of the modern everyman. (The everyman vs the forces of the universe--classic! You're doing a fine job with it here)

The Voice is a great straightman, too. Like he's probably an asshole, you know?