I'll admit I wrote this a while back. I've never really shared it with many people, but I think it might be appropriate with the current thread. I'd welcome any comments about it!
WHEN MORNING FADES TO DAY
Tell me, is it night still?
Did we really flee the day?
Tell me, will this morning
burn last night away?
Do you want me?
Won't you ask me now to stay?
Or will your last kiss shun me
and send me on my way?
Don't ask me to come with you.
Don't look at me that way,
as if you fear forgetting
that morning fades to day.
Don't speak of our tomorrow;
that's not what you should say.
Remember I will leave you
when morning fades to day.
Can't we just... ignore it,
where we met and who we are?
Just let me have this moment
for soon I shall be far.
Hold me. I'm not empty,
though you barely know my name.
Touch me. Am I colder?
Dear, I thought you'd be the same.
Don't whisper why you want me.
Don't lead my mind astray.
Desire ends at sunrise,
when one-nights fade to day.
Please, don't say you'll remember.
Why make me feel this way?
For lovers are forgotten
when light burns night away.
1 comment:
First off, above all else (and it sounds like I say this to a lot of people, but it just happens to be what I think for all those pieces), I think that this would make for a pretty bomb song. Which is to say, see how you feel about setting this to some music! Maybe something clubby.
Poem wise: I also seem to suggest this a lot, but only because it's something everyone should experiment with more. Including you, love. Cut down on the punctuation; it's not necessary here the way it is in an essay. The nature of these statements as questions is still apparent with fewer marks, and your line breaks naturally supply the pauses that you're indicating with your commas and dotdotdots.
Last suggestion: This has a classic rhyme scheme and rhythm, which is awesome because I wish more people would experiment with traditional poetry. Having said that, I think you should implement a more modern voice and try cutting down on the romantical sentence structure--I do it a lot too, and it can be fun and it can feel very poetic, but you run the risk of being a slave to your poem/structure when you should be in control of your structure. Your focus moves from the poem itself to the kind of poem you think it ought to be. Does that make sense? Tell me if it doesn't because I am not always good at this.
And if that reasoning sounded lame, I'll say this: your clauses and stanzas already have a very simple (in a fantastic way) flavor, very direct, not-gonna-lie-to-you-baby style, which works with the subject matter. If you modernize and simplify the voice further (no Dear, fewer grandiose-ish statements), the power of your poem will increase considerably, and give it the place it belongs in our modern society with its hook-up culture and blah blah blah.
I write a lot in your comment because I am genuinely excited to see this piece grow. True story!
Post a Comment