Saturday, January 24, 2009

Sweet Control

I won't preface this too much accept to say that sorry it took me forever to start writing.
A poem for you:

It's all about that one line
the one that hooks you in the jaw
the one that acts like a law

It's the glance over her shoulder
the captivating stare
She always knows you're there

The situation isn't fair
You can't help but let her win
Giving up or giving in

The crime is in no reply
She wants a statue, not a rug
With a faith that doesn't budge

All is sweet as candied sin
She opens up and calls you dear
Whispers nothings in your ear

It's not her power, her embrace
You share the pain, but don't forget
She keeps loving you yet.

1 comment:

Barbara Lorraine said...

Fran: Number Three! I Love You! :-)

I think that with the way you're utilizing rhyme and repetition, this poem could actually work well as a song. There's a musicality in the way that the rhymes hit you directly, something that I think would sit well with a catchy tune. Just sayin :-)

Otherwise, you know, work with it a bit, yeah? Cut down on use of "the one" in stanza one to make the effect of "that one line" more direct in its subsequent descriptions. Move the words around a bit to tighten up the rhyme scheme. Little things like that.

Regarding the rhyme, I do have one question: Have you considered doing anything with the second line of each stanza? The lines that follow each "sometimes," that is. Right now they're standalone, which is perfectly fine, but I'd like you to push yourself a bit further and incorporate them more into the overarching structure of the poem. Connect them somehow--rhyme, imagery, however you like.

But seriously bella, set this to some music!