Sunday, May 31, 2009

Useful Little Item

Uses for a towel:
1. parachute
2. nutritional supplement (suck on infused part)
3. medicine (suck on infused part)
4. dry off
5. save hands from hot things from oven
6. save self and/or others saved from a fiery explosion
7. blanket
8. scarf
9. snap at weaker people in the locker room or shower
10. hat and sun neck-guard
11. toga
12. turban (disguise)
13. flag - jolly roger, surrender
14. choking a person
15. smothering a person
16. use as the cloak in a cloak/dagger weapon pair
17. strips torn off as business cards
18. wet to complete a circuit, trigger a door trip, electrocute someone
19. sharp bits as a file / cheese grater
20. sound dampener
21. protecting a smoke detector from detecting smoke
22. silly science fiction reference
23. paint brush
24. glue brush
25. makeup brush
26. strainer
27. to hold water as if a water skin
28. blindfold
29. blindfold for a horse or camel to steal it
30. lead for a molotov cocktail
31. muzzle for a dog
32. conceal one self while hiding from the boyfriend or husband
33. an excuse to go to the laundromat to goggle at crush
34. tent
35. pillow
36. keep bread fresh
37. ghost costume
38. keeping formalwear clean as a bib
39. warmed to create a feeling of fanciness on a flight
40. monogrammed to make a recipient feel important
41. continually cleaning a dirty glass as a barkeep
42. folding into towel origami

for official uses, see

The story (or at least, the very beginnings of one):

42 Uses for a Towel (eventually), with Arthur Dent starring as James Bond.
Falling from the airplane, James Bond plummeted to his apparent doom. His martini glass emptied its remaining contents into the atmosphere, leaving nothing but Bond's last words in it. The man had pulled a knife and opened the hatch, indicating it was time for Bond to make his exit. Bond said only "I'd say this glass is half empty" as the man roughly kicked him out.
Bond had just been ejected from an investigation of some weight. The flight was on the private jet of Ivanna Faulk II, a human trafficker with grander visions. She had been visiting her Middle Eastern operations and flying back with emissaries of highly regarded businessmen about their needs of her "human services." Bond had been posing as an interested party under a disguise as a british sikh working for the owners of a series of sweat shops in India.
"Thank you, Q." Bond removed his turban from his head, his turban which was actually a micro-fibered, silicon, kinetically formable super-towel. He took hold of the four corners and let it fill with air above his head, slowing his descent to a livable fall just as he reached the sand dunes below in an explosive cloud of sand.

After ten minutes of rest and recovery, Bond began to trek across the desert towards a nearby oasis, drinking water soaked into his towel for hydration, draping it over his head and neck to shield the blinding sun. To his delight and relief, the oasis had not only water to re-soak his towel, but also camels, which would certainly provide better transportation than his own legs. "It's not an Aston Martin, but then again he will need a name."

And as my theme goes, time runs out on me. Starting next week I will have more though. So stay tuned!

1 comment:

Barbara Lorraine said...

Haha, 32 is hilarious (that's a pretty big towel), and 33 is so very Dr. Horrible! 39 is something I would do, and 42 is absolutely something that someone else I know would do. (Incidentally I'll have to show you Janine's giant origami sometime.)

And you absolutely have to continue this story! Very amusing, can't wait to see where it goes. Favorite part: the first paragraph. It's got a fine balance of cheesiness, cleverness, dark humor, and beautiful imagery ("His martini glass...Bond's last words" is particularly memorable and effective). Please to be including much more of that fashion-sensible!