tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6950881456564209494.post688610175767186729..comments2011-03-13T09:25:28.869-07:00Comments on Using Our Words: Barbara Lorrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18327003775573299650noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6950881456564209494.post-9143044651067156622008-12-12T17:09:00.000-08:002008-12-12T17:09:00.000-08:00I was captured by your first few sentences in part...I was captured by your first few sentences in particular. The immediacy of the image of riding behind someone on a motorcycle was a good hook. It made me continue to finish, to want to understand and discover more about the relationship you are describing. However, after the second large paragraph, the pacing changes. You step away from those sharp images of adventure and the narration does not fully sustain me as you try to imply the intensity of the relationship. I agree, more elaboration and transition is necessary. But this is a good effort and an enjoyable read. Thanks.Partially Yours, Ninahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16448931780429035207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6950881456564209494.post-25032684262286671302008-12-12T11:45:00.000-08:002008-12-12T11:45:00.000-08:00I think that I have to go with Barbara on this - f...I think that I have to go with Barbara on this - formatting this a little would be nice, the big blocks of the paragraphs make it seem a little like info dump instead of a story and take away from the mystical feeling that I think you were going for. I also feel a little lost in it, a little like I don't know what's going on and that I'm reading the cliffnotes to a bigger piece, which works sometimes but here just leaves me a little frustrated. Sometimes a story doesn't need developed characters, but since this appears to be about a relationship it might work better to expand and elaborate. I think this is a really good start to something that could be amazing, but that it needs to be about twice as long to get there.Ameliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11809655999585552763noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6950881456564209494.post-6185387755107655732008-12-08T14:32:00.000-08:002008-12-08T14:32:00.000-08:00First, I say to you what I said to Luis: consider ...First, I say to you what I said to Luis: consider formatting. It's not necessary for everything, but for this piece it can be nice for navigation.<BR/><BR/>I do have to wonder, knowing what I know about you, if this piece was inspired by your grandmother; you might think about clarifying the relationship between the speaker and the white-haired woman, unless you'd rather keep it nonspecific. And there is something I like about the unclear relationship--it could be about lovers, or close friends, a mother and a daughter, a grandmother and grandchild, etc.<BR/><BR/>I do wonder, though, why it is that the trust is what was evaporating between them, rather than their bond, their connection. Elaboration? I would like to see more in that last image of white-hair fading away. It happens so fast. <BR/><BR/>(And yes, I know you wrote this quickly last night, but I'm jusy saying is all.)Barbara Lorrainehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18327003775573299650noreply@blogger.com